The Universe has been testing me, y'all.

If you're new here, I've been very happily living in Costa Rica for the past two years. Recently, however, I decided to base myself in the US again for more... industrious energy.

I told my landlord I'd be leaving my ultra comfy, very rare, modern one-bedroom, minutes from my beloved surf break.

And steeled myself for a chapter of change. And frigid cold. (Even in the summer, Colorado is cold to me now.)

This, of course, seemed to herald my best season in Nosara yet.

Then one day I came home to my landlord's boyfriend poking around in my yard, and I knew.

They're about to start building more houses on the lot next to mine.

My landlord had told me she'd list my home weeks ago, but I hadn't heard a word about viewings. Well, that's why. Who would rent in a construction site?

"Are you sure you want to leave?" Javi asked me that day in my yard.

"No, I don't want to leave!" I cried. "I just know it's what I need to do. I can't sublet this place if you're building."

"We could offer you a very good deal, though," he told me. "If you were to keep it, and then you could travel, too."

Ooooof. And that's all it took for my previous decision to come undone—and me, with it.

The dilemma of where to live brings up so many competing desires for me, but most of all, it tears the ambitious and the wild parts of me in two.

I want to be immersed in business and order s**t off Amazon Prime, but I also want to be barefoot in the sun.

Hopefully, your average executive decision doesn't prompt an identity crisis.

But, especially early in the founder journey, a little head-spinning over the pros & cons of key decisions is common. It's also useless.

So here's what to do when you're indecisive, but you need to decide.

I carved out time on a Saturday to light a candle and pull out my journal.

Then I made a rather 'woe is me' sounding list about all the things I'd miss about Costa Rica, and feared about the United States... as well as what excited me.

None of these were about cost of living, access to opportunities or anything else practical.

Rather, I was listing out the emotional aspects of the decision.

Lack of ocean is a pretty obvious con to Colorado, but the real issue is how much joy that costs me—as well as surf progress, which I value. (It's a commitment thing.)

If I'm going to make the cleanest decision possible, that cost needs to be felt. Not just noted on a list, where it accrues more fear and indecision.

With the emotional impact of my decision stirred, I put on headphones, teed up an hour of 'shamanic drumming' on YouTube and started a simple breathwork practice.

A few minutes of continual, conscious breath is all it takes to drop below the thinking mind and into a space of deeper knowing.

When we're not relaxed, we might confuse our fear or anxiety for intuition.

But when we are relaxed, there is so much truth in the body and the floaty space of the subconscious mind.

Soon enough, three insights surfaced: boom, boom, boom.

First, I thought of a quote I'd heard from a friend-of-a-friend. Consoling that friend through their breakup, they'd said, "Love is a powerful seducer."

In other words, love isn't enough. It feels good, but it doesn't make a relationship right.

The immediate association for me was that I needed more challenge in my life. "Who in my happy, laidback life would challenge me like that?" I wondered.

Honestly, some of my people here would, but still... the US represents growth & challenge, and this quote highlighted what feels like a lack of those energies here in paradise.

I also love Nosara—but that doesn't make it right for the next chapter of my life.

From there, a desire arose to own property in the tropics.

Leaving is so hard partially because I don't want to be a vacation traveler, escaping a busy life for occasional glimpses of the bliss that was once my staple.

Plus, after many nomadic years, I crave continuity. I want to know my locals, I want to store my board instead of schlepping it on planes, etc.

Finally, that desire presented me an image of an anonymous beach—that was not in Nosara.

I live in the most expensive area of Costa Rica, dotted with luxury villas for multi-multi-millionaires. It may be a limiting belief, but it's real — I can't / don't want to afford here.

And in rushed grief.

There it was, the scariest truth: if I leave, even with plans to come back, I may not.

After all, I haven't been back to Berlin, a city I dearly loved, since I left in 2019.

I haven't been to New York, a soul home, in years. Life moves fast.

I can't maintain connection to all the places or people I have loved—and that realization devastated me, because I feel such a sense of belonging here.

(I was a full-time nomad for three years prior to this, so leaving 'my home' is huge.)

I let the sadness move through me, clear on what I needed to do.

Captured some notes in my journal.

And reported my insights the next day to friends.

When the sound of grinders and saws started up on my neighborhood construction site on Monday morning, I knew that was my moment.

I texted my landlord once more to let her know that I would be leaving still.

My relief was instant. With the decision made, its 'correctness' became more clear.

I felt a lightness as I looked around my home at what I could sell or bring back to the States.

This emotional freedom translated quickly into more mindshare spent on new business projects, more bandwidth for my relationships and optimism for the future.

All told, the decision-making process took one week of spinning my wheels, and thirty minutes of journaling and somatic practice.

Decisions don't have to be confusing, or complicated.

All the awareness you need is already here, along with the tools to process it. Next time you feel stuck on something important, step away from the data and go inward.

Until next time (next year!)—

Rachel

PS: This will be my last newsletter for 2024. I'll have one private coaching spot open to kick off the new year.

If you're in leadership, under high stress, but also high care / ambition, and you want to be your best—not just busy—grow your team and balance your life, hit reply so we can explore it, please. Happy holidays!